


Even in the Dark

by panzie



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst, Closeted Character, Depression, Gay Male Character, M/M, Sexuality Crisis
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-08-26
Updated: 2018-08-26
Packaged: 2019-07-02 21:51:32
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,789
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15805266
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/panzie/pseuds/panzie
Summary: It's been decades since the Battle of Hogwarts. The grief and confusion that followed it has long past. Happiness seems in abundance as the heroes of the Wizarding War have settled into marriages and parenthood - yet one hero - the most renowned of all can't help but feel an emptiness as he realises the life he once dreamed of was not what he really wanted. Harry looks back to the aftermath of the war, and remembers a brief encounter with Draco Malfoy. He decides they've both been living a lie all these years.





	Even in the Dark

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first fanfiction, so please comment with any criticisms and/or advice. Thank you.

Even in the dark, Hogsmeade was a pretty little village. Harry savoured the quiet of the evening, as he made his way home. Not long ago he would’ve apparated from the Aurors Office in London straight to his front door. However, he had come to cherish these moments as he moved from place to place alone. He would love to just escape to a moment like this, still and silent. To rest in it as long as he liked and not have life interrupt with new dramas and responsibilities at every opportunity.

The Potters house was a large detached family home, opposite the play park. As Harry approached it, he began to feel guilty for his hidden apathy for it all. He had built the life he always wanted. He had a lovely home, the job he always wanted, a beautiful wife, a family. There was nothing more he could even think to ask for. So, he couldn’t understand why he wasn’t happy.

When he came in he made his way to the living room where his son, James, was sat on the rug watching some children’s show. James jumped up and cheered at seeing his father come home. Harry picked the boy up and kissed his cheek. It was late for James, but he was at that early age where no matter how tired a child is they always have energy. Harry put James back on the floor then slumped onto the sofa. Finally.

“Tough day huh?” Ginny said coming in to sit by him. Ginny had stayed home today, yet she looked just as tired as Harry and it was no wonder.

“Nothing I can’t handle. What about you? He been giving you trouble?” He asked, gesturing to James who was emersed in the television again.

“Oh he won’t sleep!” She complained, “And Albus has been kicking non-stop” She moved to rest her hand on her bump and Harry did the same. He felt the outline of something hard pressing against her belly, a tiny foot perhaps, or maybe an elbow, and he smiled. Ginny had eaten dinner earlier, but she heated some up for Harry and while he ate she filled him in on the day’s news. The daily prophet had an interview with Luna Lovegood about her book on newly discovered magical creatures.

“I hope she’s not working herself too much.” Harry said. Luna was a close family friend, but he hadn’t spoken to her recently since they were both equally busy.

“She’s fine.” Ginny assured him, “I spoke to her on the phone earlier. She’s doing good. You’ll never guess who she bumped into last weekend.”

“Who?”

“Draco Malfoy.” Ginny smiled with the reveal, as if it were some novelty to hear the name. It was in some ways, it certainly bought Harry back to a time, though it was a time he’d willingly forgotten.

“You’re right, I’d never have guessed.” He replied as if it were a name that meant nothing.

“Are you not interested in what he’s up to?”

“Why would I care?”

“You had the whole arch-nemesis thing?”

“I think I had worse enemies.”

“Are you kidding me? You hated him! You'd never shut up about it. Are you not a little interested in what he’s up to now?”

“Fine.” He frowned, “Tell me what Malfoy’s up to, I’m sure it’s fascinating.”

“He knocked up Astoria Greengrass.”

“Oh.”

“Is that fascinating enough?”

“I guess it is, actually.”

“Why?”

“I just – I never imagined Malfoy as a dad. He’s with Astoria?”

“Luna said it seemed messy but yeah. I lost my bet with Ron, I was sure he was gay.”

Just hearing the suggestion, he felt his heart quicken, though he tried to sound casual. “You had a bet with Ron?”

She laughed, “Oh, just when we were teenagers – I probably only owe him a packet of chocolate frogs.”

That night Harry couldn’t sleep for thinking about Draco. They hadn’t spoken since the year after leaving school. He thought any feelings he had about him had been buried forever. Lying there in the dark, he watched Ginny sleeping. He wondered what she was dreaming about, if she ever knew what Draco once was to Harry. It seemed impossible for her to suspect as she lay there. But as stupid as he knew it was, Harry couldn’t help thinking about that bet between her and Ron.

Tip-toeing through the house, Harry made his way to the Kitchen for a glass of water. The house felt cold and empty in the night. He looked out of the window. There was nothing but blackness and stars. Watching the nothing sky seemed like a sort of temporary limbo, and as he looked out Harry realised something about his life. For years he’d been living in the third person. Every day he would make decisions and act based on what he thought he ought to want. As if there were some narrator he was obliged to please. And now, he’d forgotten how to want authentically. Yet hearing Draco’s name earlier that day he’d felt a spark of something lost. His heart was starting to beat again. He felt the excitement of his youth, when life seemed so full of choices and opportunity. And among that something sour, jealously and a knowledge that any desire that he may find would never be fulfilled. Closing his eyes, he tried to remember a freer time. The last time he felt what he wanted, and he sought it.

* * *

 

“Are you holding up okay?” The question felt like an insult. It had been around two weeks since Harry had defeated Voldemort and everything Draco knew and believed in was destroyed. And here was the boy who made that happen, stood at Draco’s front door, acting concerned as if they’d sorted any differences and the world was made of sunshine.

“You don’t have to pretend to be my friend, Potter.”

“I know. I know I’m not your friend.”

“Then why are you here?”

“I was worried. Everything has been... difficult. Everyone has lost someone. Everyone seems lost.”

“You’re right, _everyone_ is miserable. So why aren’t you on your friends’ doorsteps? Why do you need to check on _me_?”

“I just wanted-“ Harry paused. What did he want? Sure, Harry and Draco went way back but they’d never been friendly, never even been acquaintances. “We may not be friends, but we have a history – of sorts. I wanted to be sure that you’re going to be okay.”

Draco laughed. Harry wasn’t sure what response he expected, but it was not this laugh. For it was not the cutting, cold jeer he was used to. Though it couldn’t exactly be described as warm. If it was a laugh that said anything it said, finally. “Potter, you really are obsessed with me.” Harry blinked, his face flushed red,

“I’m not!”

“You practically just confessed.” Draco bit his lip and smirked, he always knew Harry had some fixation with him. He imagined slamming the door in his face right now, the satisfaction would be palpable. Though he decided against it. “You always were obsessed. Remember that year you kept following me around?”

“For a multitude of reasons that don’t include me liking you!” He looked horrified.

“Everybody told you give it up. To leave me alone. But you couldn’t. You couldn’t get me out of your head.” Harry was blushing red hot. Draco smiled with satisfaction, “And now, school is over. There is not a single reason for us to ever see each other again. Yet here you are, on my doorstep.”

“Not because I’m obsessed with you, I-“

“You don’t have any other reason to be here.” “I couldn’t be less interested in you, why would I be. I'm with Ginny.”

“No you’re not.” Draco leant on the doorframe and crossed his arms, “I’m not stupid. Now you’ve come here, to bother me because though you loathe to admit it, you, Harry Potter are a gay boy.”

The word cut through Harry, his brain shut of completely and all that was left was anger and confusion. He attacked Draco, trying to wrestle and punch him. Draco reached for his wand.

“Stupefy!”

Harry fell unconscious. Draco looked over Harry collapsed and didn’t know what to think or do. His parents were at court and could’ve been back that night, he didn’t like the idea of them coming home to Harry Potter unconscious in their hallway. He could leave Harry to wake up in a ditch somewhere, there was a time that would’ve been hilarious. But now he couldn’t bring himself to. They were adults now. And Harry looked so helplessly idiotic. So he called the house elves who carried Harry upstairs and left him in Draco’s room. He lay Harry on the bed, then sat by the window to smoke. He rarely ever smoked in the house, he didn’t want his parents to know he’d taken up the habit. Right now, however, he was stressed, and he couldn’t give a shit. He just needed something to calm his nerves. Everyone did.

He looked over at Harry, who in that moment looked disgustingly peaceful. It wouldn’t be so bad, he thought, if people just let me be. He wished he didn’t have the trial, the suspicion, the glares from strangers. The fear of his parents being sent to Azkaban, never to be seen again. He wished he didn’t have to prove his innocence constantly. Well, he thought, looking out at the sky – the sun beginning to set, I’m not innocent, but surely that doesn’t make me fucking evil?

He looked over to the bed, where Harry was starting to wake up. He looked so grown up now, even with the glasses. Nowhere near as skinny as he once was and with handsome stubble. If he'd only cut his hair, Draco thought, which was as messy as ever. Harry looked around the room, taking a moment to recollect what had happened and where he was. 

“You stunned me!” Harry complained.

“Just a trick I learnt in defence against the fucking mental cases”

“You called me gay.”

“Uh-huh” Draco smirked, put his cigarette out, then moved towards the bed where Harry was resting. “You want me to take it back, Potter?” he said with mocking sincerity and rested his hand on Harrys face. Harry looked into Draco’s eyes and noticed that, though the tone of his voice was a joke, in Draco’s eyes he saw the same longing that was in his own heart.

“No.” Harry said. When Draco kissed him, it was as if his heart had been unlocked. That made the pain so much worse when Draco whispered the poisonous words;

“No one will ever know of this”


End file.
